Oh, The Things People Say

I found these on a web site called "Things People Said". I laughed so much I had to share some of my favorites:

•"Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

•"If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John Bowman, commenting on the high crime rate in Washington, D.C.


•"I would like to thank Nasal Beard for that warm welcome." -- George Bush, thanking Hazel Beard, mayor of Shreveport, Louisiana, in 1992.

•"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?" -- George W. Bush

•"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -- George W. Bush

•"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." -- Gerald Ford

•"That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries." -- Gerald Ford

•"A zebra does not change its spots." -- Al Gore

•"There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values." -- Ronald Reagan

•"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennet, former University of Kentucky basketball forward.

•"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." -- Pete Incavigila, baseball player for the Texas Rangers.

•"It just as easily could have gone the other way." -- Don Zimmer, Chicago Cubs manager, on his team's 4-4 record.

•"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.

•"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.

•"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.


News Articles:

•"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." -- From a New Zealand paper.

•"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

Radio News:
•"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.

Televised Reports:
•"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

•"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.

•"Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese." -- From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.

News Ads:
•"Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.

Sports Announcing:
•"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news

•"Well, I guess we can see that Ralph isn't a left-handed hooker." -- Sportscaster, after Ralph Sampson missed a left-handed hook shot.

•"It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.

•"And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.

•"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.

Interviews:
•"Am I cold? Why do you think I'm sitting here under these two Africans?" -- An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.

•"So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."